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Lady Svoda

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Hmmm.. [02 Nov 2002|05:20am]
[ mood | hopeful and somewhat down ]

It's been forever and a day since I've posted, again. Oh wells. I honestly hope to be more consistent with it from now on. Lately, I've been otherwise occupied or uninspired.
A few minutes ago, I sent a letter to Angel that I had finished after a couple of hours. I hope that it serves to break the silence. *sighs* We'll see what we see.

It's coming close to when I'd like to be in bed, so I'll disappear for the time being and read for a short while, then sleep. More is to come in the afternoon, most likely, or the evening.

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Red October Sky [03 Oct 2002|02:49am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I'm not yet dead. ^.^ Sometimes, I wish that I were, since I feel that my life has no purpose, at those times, but oh wells. My Cancer makes me moody. The academic year has moved into full swing, and between that & various projects of mine, as well as other things such as meetings which present themselves, time has been short. I've been offline significantly more than usual, but things seem to be settling in now, so I should be reversing that trend. Jeanette and I are still having music sessions after our math hour, which has the highlight of my week for some time. ^_^ I'm not progressing as well as I'd like in music, since I've not practiced as often as I should or would like to. We shall see what happens in subsequent weeks. It disappoints me that I have been lax in that, since when I set myself to a goal, I wish to do well in accomplishing it. Thy time is well spent, Lady Jeanette, and I promise to return on thy investment. ^_^ I seem to have a positive feeling about this month. Let us hope that my feelings are right.

Some test results,

Which Magical Order Are You In?

brought to you by Quizilla

What Element Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

What Element Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

The two results immediately above depended upon the favorite number that I chose. A part of me chose one, and the other chose the second. The snippet which doesn't seem to apply is in the first (Fire), where it mentions lacking a sensitivity to others. Oh wells. I suppose that the rest does, yet I leave that to others to decide for themselves.

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The Return [04 Sep 2002|04:13am]
[ mood | relieved ]

Well, I'm back, but I'm not sure that I'd call this house a home. I very much wish to leave, and the list of reasons would likely be long enough to extend for the length of miles covered in my trip, in both directions. Oh wells. It was an ok trip, but not all smooth-sailing, since my father likes to go out of his way to start and kindle agruments, unfortunately. I generally try not to argue, but at times it gets old, and I choose to put the hammer down. I did meet and become acquainted with a few new people, though, which helped to dampen the bit of frustration that I had from other influences. It was nice and hot where we were, reaching a high of ~105 degrees Fahrenheit, which I was happy with, but "someone else" wasn't, and I had to hear about it for much of the trip, along with all of the other things. ^.^ I don't particularly like where I sleep in the RV, either, since it may as well be a concrete slab for how comfortable it is. Oh wells.. a minor inconvenience. While looking through the vendors' area at the event we attended, I found a very nice tapestry that I decided I wished to have, and I bought one to treat myself for once. ^.^ I liked it very much from first sight, and thought that it would look very nice if hung on a wall at whatever place Angel and I have in the future. ^_^ When I have a picture of it, I'll post it. There were also some swords there of decent quality, but I decided not to appropriate one of them yet. There'll be plenty of other opportunities for me to do so. We spent two days in Monterey, two in Pleasanton at the event, and most of Monday in San Francisco. I decided that I wished to be home a little earlier than planned, so we drove from San Francisco to Monterey in the earlier part of evening via the coastal highway, and stopped at a Denny's to have something to eat before we continued on from there, until we reached home at 5:15AM, in time for me to sleep. ^.^ I may post more details later. *hmms* It's a new month, and I wonder what shall be in store.. there are a few things that I'm aware of already, but I don't always like all of the unknowns.

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On the Eve of a Trip [28 Aug 2002|04:51am]
[ mood | cynical ]

'Tis time for my trip to Northern California this year. I am set to depart some time later today. The target departure time is 9AM, yet I doubt that shall actually be adhered to. Tuesday evening is when I shall have arrived by. I'll likely be able to check my e-mail once a day or so, and I'll also post here if possible. We shall see what we shall see. Although I'm honestly not very enthusiastic about the trip, its saving grace is the area to be visited, which I like very much. ^.^ I plan to have a residence in Northern California eventually--where exactly, Angel and I haven't determined yet. ^_^ I'd feel quite better about the trip if I weren't going with my father, but oh wells.. only one more year, after all. He'll be far easier to deal with when I shan't be living with him, and seeing him every day. My mother has her moments of being difficult to get along with as well, but they are far fewer. I admit that I have moments of my own, too, but I strive to keep them to a minimum. Anyvay... until next time.

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The week so far [16 Aug 2002|04:43am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

It's been somewhat of a "run of the mill week," except for Tuesday night, when Jeanette visited. We talked quite a lot, and she provided many helpful answers and other thoughts about me, and my relationship with Angel. One thing that I know is...I need to be less tense. I've had a life-long issue with that, and it needs to be mended. I plan to talk with Jeanette more, because I trust her quite a lot. I consider her my best friend, and I value her opinions, counsel, and experience highly, because I know that her intentions are noble, and her experience is far-reaching. We enjoy each other's company very much. ^_^ She said that I am her favorite niece, but I am third-fiddle to her other two nieces who are related to her. *giggles* It's allright, though. I would not wish it to be any other way. Elizabeth and her younger sister Amber are very special. Liz may visit sometime soon, which shall be nice if she does, since it's been quite a while since I saw her last, and I've missed her. I think that I may be visiting a friend or two later today, as well, and take care of some things, as well as receive a gift. ^_^ We shall see what we shall see. Anyvay, tis time that I sleep... Do svidanya!

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Sinntyl Sendonagyl `sy nazvitya.. [09 Aug 2002|09:14am]
[ mood | determined ]

I hope that my dream is the truth, and that the relationship which Dearest Angel and I share shall become a butterfly sometime soon before or after I am with Her, and have visited Her, hopefully to live with Her... I liken the current state to the butterfly within a cocoon, working to transform into something of dazzling beauty and preciousness. I feel the same within my heart, as to what shall happen in the future with the two of us. We shall become the lovely butterfly, and take to the sky with no looking back. It is my belief, and my /greatest/ hope... with Her, I am /infinitely/ more than I am without. I love Her with /every drop of my life/..

As to recent events of the week, music night on Tuesday was pleasant as always, and my work continues. ^_^ My new issue of Astronomy magazine also arrived, and I like the publication very much. One of my passions and goals is to visit the stars, in the future, perhaps by employing inventions of my own. *hmms* Pay no attention to the time of this post, since I'm having a sleepless day..

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More busy weekends [05 Aug 2002|05:27am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Yes, it's been another one. I had a very nice trip with a dear friend, and my Dearest Angel returned from Her trip to NY, which was the highlight of my weekend, with my trip with Jeanette being a close second. I had missed Her during Her 2-week trip. Yesterday was also my birthday, although my birthdays have always been rather lacklustre to me. It's only another day.

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Oy.. [05 Aug 2002|04:57am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

I've not been feeling well lately... I hope that better things and times are on the horizon. The past month or more has afforded me little happiness. Angel was in the forefront of my thoughts on Saturday night, and memories of earlier, happier, livelier times in our relationship brought me to absolute tears, something that doesn't happen often.. I hope that we are able to recapture, and exceed the love and happiness that we shared in those times. My 18th birthday shall have meaning, unlike my 17th, other than the fact that it is bringing me a step closer to the person with whom I wish to spend the rest of my existance. My 18th shall set me free to fly. I am the sort of person who never stops, once they set their sights on a goal. Love that is Eternal only re-enforces this that much more... I shall persevere, and accept nothing short of reaching or exceeding my goals. I love Her very much... when I am with Her in a little over a year, I shall mend the damages of distance. A dream has given me renewed inspiration and hope..

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Busy weekends [23 Jul 2002|04:40am]
[ mood | okay ]

It was a busy weekend for me, as they have been lately. Likely that the week shall also be so. I'm alive, even if I don't post very often.. *smiles a little* Tis time that I sleep.. until next time.

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Thirst... [23 Jul 2002|04:36am]
[ mood | thirsty ]

I ache to drink of the sacred crimson...

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Poetry.. [23 Jul 2002|04:32am]
[ mood | melancholy and insanity ]

-- Murder Me in the Moonlight --

Oh happy blade, so pretty in the starlight..
Seeing your steel so naked, I feel not right.
So lovely you would be, drinking of my blood tonight.
A penetrating kiss, straight into my heart..
Plunging down, completely out of sight.

Oh happy blade, drink of me tonight..
Please, yes...deeper, murder me in the moonlight..
Straight and true, winning my love for you.
Please, let me stain you with my crimson tonight..

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Of late.. [17 Jul 2002|02:31am]
[ mood | okay ]

I'm feeling better, and life is moving along. I'm not sure what else to write right now, so this one is very short.. likely that I shall write more later today.

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Another day.. [04 Jul 2002|04:49am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

A friend of mine and I were talking today about some problems she and her girlfriend were having.. Rachel was feeling sad, and worried that she and her girlfriend Juli may be drifting apart. Here is an excerpt of our chat, with screen names edited to preserve anonymity.
Svetlana (7:10:53 PM): *curtsies* Good evening, My Dear. ^_^
Rachel (7:11:13 PM): it's an evening all right, but I daresay it is not good :/
Svetlana (7:11:47 PM): *sits with you and hugs* What's the matter, Dearheart?
Rachel (7:13:05 PM): "Does Lila have Quality?"
Rachel (7:13:24 PM): I'm no good in this world
Rachel (7:13:37 PM): things just keep getting worse with juli
Svetlana (7:15:15 PM): oh.. :(
Svetlana (7:15:21 PM): *hugs tightly*
Rachel (7:15:45 PM): I just think...she wants something I don't.
Svetlana (7:16:19 PM): Something that makes you drift apart?
Rachel (7:17:04 PM): something...
Svetlana (7:18:07 PM): *gently takes your hand* Do you have any ideas as to what she desires, Dearheart?
Rachel (7:18:10 PM): to be it didn't seem a bad thing that I continued doing my normal routine, that we barely talk and barely "do" anything...I am just content that she is here....but she feels lonely
Rachel (7:18:20 PM): s/to be/to me
Svetlana (7:18:30 PM): *nods softly* I see..
Rachel (7:19:40 PM): and I don't..I don't even want to, really. I'm no good at it. casual socializing I can pull off, though I'm never really entirely there. But this snuggling and talking and everything....I don't even like being touched
Svetlana (7:20:19 PM): I understand..
Svetlana (7:20:47 PM): I am often quiet, and likely don't talk with Dearest Angel as much as I should..
Svetlana (7:21:07 PM): but I am a very intense, and passionate person...
Svetlana (7:21:48 PM): Intimacy is very special to me. I love hugs, and kisses, and snuggles..
Rachel (7:22:21 PM): I just want to be alone with my thoughts for 90% of the time...
Svetlana (7:22:52 PM): I talk with Her quite a lot at times, and at others my words are sparse..
Svetlana (7:23:04 PM): Sometimes, I write poetry for Her..
Svetlana (7:23:11 PM): *nods* I can identify with that.. I'm often the same in that respect.
Svetlana (7:23:32 PM): Dearest Angel is the only exception to that, in my case.
Svetlana (7:24:40 PM): Although, at times, I still wish to be truly alone.
Rachel (7:24:51 PM): I just don't know what to do
Svetlana (7:25:12 PM): Lately, I fear that She and I have drifted apart a little..
Rachel (7:25:28 PM): I was so happy for her to just...be sitting next to me, even as I did whatever
Svetlana (7:25:30 PM): So, we may be in similar circumstances..
Rachel (7:25:37 PM): but it hurt her and I didn't even notice
Svetlana (7:25:59 PM): *nods, and hugs*
Svetlana (7:26:40 PM): At times, I feel hurt for similar reasons that Juli does..
Svetlana (7:26:53 PM): I feel a little ignored..
Svetlana (7:27:24 PM): but I move past it, and try not to let it bother me
Svetlana (7:28:02 PM): Sometimes, it is nice to have the unquestionable attention of the person you love...
Svetlana (7:28:35 PM): I have been on both sides of this sort of thing..
I don't seek to tie Dearest Angel down.. relationships that are built upon dependancy and "ownership" are doomed to failure. I'm not dependant, and I hope that I do not appear needy. My feelings are very strong, and I am culturally different.. I have a unique way of thinking about many things, including relationships and love. At one time, a little over a year ago, Angel and I promised that we would be the first within each other's hearts.. and she said that she shall always care for me, as she has a number of times before and since.. I have many feelings as to why Her feelings have seemingly lessened, from some things that She has said, and what has happened to Her in past relationships. I hope that She shall truly believe and trust me, and open Her heart unto me.. I must have patience, but I shall persevere. I could write forever to tell about all of the positive influences that She has given to me, and how She has helped me. I have feelings for Her that I have honestly never felt before, and the others that I have, I feel with much more intensity. My intensity is also something that was discussed between us, and I agreed to not be as lovey-dovey as often.. Tis not easy, but I have made an effort. Rachel IM'ed me ours later, and said that she went out with Juli, and that things are mending. ^_^ I hope that the same shall be true for me soon enough. Anyway, this is my longest post ever.. and it is time that I retire to my bedchamber. Until next time..

Forgiving the religious overtones, this says much about the love that I feel for Her. At times, yes, I feel suicidal, and for a myriad of reasons, but I shan't ever let myself do that. Please don't misinterpret the second stanza.. when you read it, remember the second verse.

- God only knows -
Original words and music by Brian Wilson and Tony Asher.
Variant wording by Svetlana Vassilyeva-Cathla'in.

I surely shall always love you
And as long as there are stars above you
You'll never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
My life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I'd be without you

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I wish that I knew what to do.. [03 Jul 2002|03:09am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Someday, I hope that Angel shall truly know how much I love Her, and that She shall love me as I love Her. She says that her heart is ice, but I believe that She loves me, and that slowly but surely, I can find the key to Her heart. I am loyal to Her with /no/ until. At times, the things She says to others do hurt, but sometimes that is the way life is.. I am likely too sensitive and am overreacting, anyway.. oy oy oy..

It is painful at times, since I cannot yet be with Her due to the circumstances. My 17th birthday is fast approaching, though, and I hope that in a little over a year, I shall be visiting, if not living with, Dearest Angel. We shall see... She said that she would be patient enough to wait for me.

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A quieter place [03 Jul 2002|02:13am]
[ mood | morose ]

I have another journal which I post in from time to time, which I intend to keep separate from this one. This is a place where I shan't be as restrictive upon myself on what I post, although I still keep most things inside. I must be strong to support those that I care for, and I don't wish to let them see me in my moments of distress if I can help it. To my readers who may come across this journal by one means or another that do know me, read at thy own risk.

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