A friend of mine and I were talking today about some problems she and her girlfriend were having.. Rachel was feeling sad, and worried that she and her girlfriend Juli may be drifting apart. Here is an excerpt of our chat, with screen names edited to preserve anonymity.
Svetlana (7:10:53 PM): *curtsies* Good evening, My Dear. ^_^
Rachel (7:11:13 PM): it's an evening all right, but I daresay it is not good :/
Svetlana (7:11:47 PM): *sits with you and hugs* What's the matter, Dearheart?
Rachel (7:13:05 PM): "Does Lila have Quality?"
Rachel (7:13:24 PM): I'm no good in this world
Rachel (7:13:37 PM): things just keep getting worse with juli
Svetlana (7:15:15 PM): oh.. :(
Svetlana (7:15:21 PM): *hugs tightly*
Rachel (7:15:45 PM): I just think...she wants something I don't.
Svetlana (7:16:19 PM): Something that makes you drift apart?
Rachel (7:17:04 PM): something...
Svetlana (7:18:07 PM): *gently takes your hand* Do you have any ideas as to what she desires, Dearheart?
Rachel (7:18:10 PM): to be it didn't seem a bad thing that I continued doing my normal routine, that we barely talk and barely "do" anything...I am just content that she is here....but she feels lonely
Rachel (7:18:20 PM): s/to be/to me
Svetlana (7:18:30 PM): *nods softly* I see..
Rachel (7:19:40 PM): and I don't..I don't even want to, really. I'm no good at it. casual socializing I can pull off, though I'm never really entirely there. But this snuggling and talking and everything....I don't even like being touched
Svetlana (7:20:19 PM): I understand..
Svetlana (7:20:47 PM): I am often quiet, and likely don't talk with Dearest Angel as much as I should..
Svetlana (7:21:07 PM): but I am a very intense, and passionate person...
Svetlana (7:21:48 PM): Intimacy is very special to me. I love hugs, and kisses, and snuggles..
Rachel (7:22:21 PM): I just want to be alone with my thoughts for 90% of the time...
Svetlana (7:22:52 PM): I talk with Her quite a lot at times, and at others my words are sparse..
Svetlana (7:23:04 PM): Sometimes, I write poetry for Her..
Svetlana (7:23:11 PM): *nods* I can identify with that.. I'm often the same in that respect.
Svetlana (7:23:32 PM): Dearest Angel is the only exception to that, in my case.
Svetlana (7:24:40 PM): Although, at times, I still wish to be truly alone.
Rachel (7:24:51 PM): I just don't know what to do
Svetlana (7:25:12 PM): Lately, I fear that She and I have drifted apart a little..
Rachel (7:25:28 PM): I was so happy for her to just...be sitting next to me, even as I did whatever
Svetlana (7:25:30 PM): So, we may be in similar circumstances..
Rachel (7:25:37 PM): but it hurt her and I didn't even notice
Svetlana (7:25:59 PM): *nods, and hugs*
Svetlana (7:26:40 PM): At times, I feel hurt for similar reasons that Juli does..
Svetlana (7:26:53 PM): I feel a little ignored..
Svetlana (7:27:24 PM): but I move past it, and try not to let it bother me
Svetlana (7:28:02 PM): Sometimes, it is nice to have the unquestionable attention of the person you love...
Svetlana (7:28:35 PM): I have been on both sides of this sort of thing..
I don't seek to tie Dearest Angel down.. relationships that are built upon dependancy and "ownership" are doomed to failure. I'm not dependant, and I hope that I do not appear needy. My feelings are very strong, and I am culturally different.. I have a unique way of thinking about many things, including relationships and love. At one time, a little over a year ago, Angel and I promised that we would be the first within each other's hearts.. and she said that she shall always care for me, as she has a number of times before and since.. I have many feelings as to why Her feelings have seemingly lessened, from some things that She has said, and what has happened to Her in past relationships. I hope that She shall truly believe and trust me, and open Her heart unto me.. I must have patience, but I shall persevere. I could write forever to tell about all of the positive influences that She has given to me, and how She has helped me. I have feelings for Her that I have honestly never felt before, and the others that I have, I feel with much more intensity. My intensity is also something that was discussed between us, and I agreed to not be as lovey-dovey as often.. Tis not easy, but I have made an effort. Rachel IM'ed me ours later, and said that she went out with Juli, and that things are mending. ^_^ I hope that the same shall be true for me soon enough. Anyway, this is my longest post ever.. and it is time that I retire to my bedchamber. Until next time..
Forgiving the religious overtones, this says much about the love that I feel for Her. At times, yes, I feel suicidal, and for a myriad of reasons, but I shan't ever let myself do that. Please don't misinterpret the second stanza.. when you read it, remember the second verse.
- God only knows -
Original words and music by Brian Wilson and Tony Asher.
Variant wording by Svetlana Vassilyeva-Cathla'in.
I surely shall always love you
And as long as there are stars above you
You'll never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you
If you should ever leave me
My life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I'd be without you